Lately, I’ve been wrestling with what I call “mobility envy." With the progression of my symptoms + added fatigue from the Texas heat, my FA has me on the struggle bus.
Walking is becoming more & more challenging. It looks & feels more clumsy, and I have become much slower. It's incredibly frustrating in such a way that I don't quite know how to explain it. I just keep saying, "I'm just sick of being me, of being stuck in this slow, disabled FA body… it's too hard," to my loved ones.
Walking hasn't been "easy" for me for about 4 years. But these last few weeks, I've noticed that nothing physical is easy. Literally everything requires a lot of concentration & effort.
After Brooks's baseball games this weekend, I was particularly frustrated. I watched moms that I love & admire do all of the things I wish I could do: help the team by being bench moms, load and unload baseball gear, carry their babies, play catch with their boys, and more. Meanwhile, my parents, my friends, and even Collins helped me get set up to simply sit.
While I am appreciative and grateful for the kind help, I was boiling inside. I wanted to scream, "I DON'T WANT TO NEED THIS!" But, I do. I desperately need help.
When we got home from the game, I was just internally fed up. I channeled that frustration into a fool-hardy decision to take the 5 steps from the truck to the front door rather than wait for Kyle to help me. When I made it, Collins clapped and said, “way to take some steps without a person or your walker, mommy!”
It broke my heart that my sweet girl, my biggest cheerleader, has had so little to admire about me lately that she celebrated 5 horribly wobbly and dangerously staccato steps.
I smiled and said, “thank you, sweetie,” as I reached for my walker that I leave in the house. I am so thankful for the little dose of perspective my precious girl gave me. I know that, as I continue to progress, I will long for the ability to walk (assisted and unassisted) even more than I do now. And I am incredibly lucky to have the help, encouragement, assistance, and abilities that I do have.
All of this to say: don't take your mobility granted. Cheer each other on.