I have been struggling lately. My FA symptoms, specifically my balance, have gotten worse. I fear that my time to use a walker (part time) is fast approaching.
When I think about that, I get in a really negative place. I get angry. I feel helpless and hopeless. Right now, I feel like using a walker is admitting defeat. That all of my hard work is for nothing. My fundraising, my awareness efforts, my PT, my vitamin B1 injections, hours and hours spent praying. And I’m still progressing. I’m fighting against a relentless clock. My body is failing and I absolutely hate it.
Yes, I know that the walker will help. It will help me get from point A to point B safely and independently. I’m just scared. I’m sure I will soon view my walker with respect and adoration for the safety and independence it can provide but I’m just not ready to be graceful about it yet. My heart is too broken. My spirit is too broken. I guess you could say that I’m partially in denial.
That is, until today.
Once again, my beautiful son (Brooks) imparted wisdom on me. He started singing a song from school:
“I like my eyes, I like my face, I like the way God made me”
His sweet childlike innocence and faith stopped my internal pity party dead in its tracks. He made it seem so simple. God made me.
Earlier today, I heard the song “Even If” by Mercy Me (while on my way to physical therapy)
“They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone”
How fitting. How convicting. How challenging. Yet through the eyes of my sweet beautiful boy, it’s all so simple. “I like the way God made me.” What a better place this world would be if we all thought like that.
I’m going to trade my heavy heart for childlike faith. Or at least I’m going to try like hell to.